I am not a jerk. Honestly. And yet, a lot of people probably think I am a jerk. Because sometimes I just don’t know what is appropriate to say in a certain situation. I am very honest, but honesty is not always polite. That’s a problem. I will tell you if your new haircut doesn’t suit you. I will tell you if you disturb me. But I don’t mean to be rude or hurtful. I am just honest. And that’s because I don’t understand lies.
On the other hand, there are times when I don’t speak at all when people expect me to speak. This often happens in very emotional situations. For example when someone cries. I can’t deal with tears. Tears paralyze me. Continue reading “I am not a jerk (most of the time)”
The other day when I was buying groceries, I was called a “nutcase”. Not because I spent 4 euros on hummus which can easily be made for less than 50 cent (that’s what I call nuts!) but because of my “cart dilemma”. I can’t use shopping carts that people left coupons or candy wrappers in. I just can’t. It’s not okay to leave garbage behind, it’s not sanitary, and it violates my rules, so I just cannot use carts with garbage inside. It makes me mad, and sad, and confused. How can people leave shared things like this? Continue reading “The Nutcase”
Being an Aspie, conversations sometimes can be pretty tough. Especially while being in a public area. I will try to illustrate what it feels like for me:
Let’s imagine the following situation. I just left the campus and I am on my way home. For whatever reason I decided to take the bus and I am currently waiting for it at the bus stop. I try to concentrate on myself as it is very noisy. A lot of other students decided to take the bus. The bus stop is very crowded. A fellow student sees me, comes up to me and starts a conversation:
Fellow student: “Bllblblbllblblll klklklkl aiaiai ememem.”
Me: “Excuse me?” Continue reading “Asperger’s & Conversations”
During the semester life can get pretty busy and stressful. A lot of lectures with different audiences, a lot of student meetings for presentations, meetings with profs, campus sports, and of course crowded public transportation. And then there are friends and family who also want to talk to me and spend time with me. In the evenings I often feel exhausted, and more than often I really feel close to OVERLOAD. When I was younger, I wasn’t able to feel overloads coming beforehand. I couldn’t protect myself from the outside world as well as today. What really helped me was keeping track of my days: What stressed me today? What went wrong day? What should I have avoided? What helped me dealing with stress? Continue reading “My autism journal”
I am worried. Constantly. Mostly about my parents and my sister. I have always been worried about them. When I was little, I was afraid of getting separated from them, I screamed bloody murder when for example the elevator door was slowly closing and my mom or dad was still in the hallway. I was scared to lose them and never see them again. When I grew older, the worrying never stopped. Until today, I worry that my mom and dad might die, that my sister might have an accident. If they drive to work, I worry about them being involved in a car crash. When my dad works in the garden, let’s say with a chainsaw, I worry about him getting hurt or killed. It’s insanely exhausting. Continue reading “I am worried.”
“Your son will never have friends.” That’s what the doctors told my parents. Repeatedly. Yes, I prefer spending time on my own. Yes, I am socially awkward. And yes, being surrounded by a lot of people at a time stresses me out. But does that mean I can’t have any friends, or that I am not interested in having or making friends? No! Of course not.
Friendship is very dear and special to me. And I am talking about real friendship here, not acquaintanceship. That is in fact something I am very bad at. Continue reading “Autism & Friendship”
If you are not familiar with stimming: It’s a way (mostly) autistic people calm themselves down in different situations. The word stands short for “self-stimulatory behavior”. I do it when I am in stressful situations such as being on a bus, sitting in a crowded lecture hall, or shopping at a mall. But I also do it when I am at home, even if I am not stressed out, just because it’s a nice and calming feeling. There are different ways to stim. Some people like to chew on stuff, some stim via different motions of their body (you have surely heard of autistic people rocking back and forth), some enjoy touching different textures, some love colors – there’s a lot of ways to stim. Continue reading “How I stim”