Hey people of the internet,
I haven’t written here in a while. I don’t even have an excuse. I am on holidays, uni won’t start until October – and that’s the problem. My days are so unstructured. I hate it. During semester I get up at 7, take a shower, have breakfast (two pieces of toast with cheese), either try to take the bus and then walk because it’s too crowded OR drive my bike to uni, go to classes, meet by boyfriend for lunch, go to classes, go to the gym or for a run (schedule is written down in my agenda), go home, have dinner, spend some time with special interest stuff, go to bed. That’s my day. Pretty much every day. Except for days when my boyfriend decides that I need to be more “social” and we need to see friends. Which is fine. I can do that. Just not that often.
But at the moment, there’s no schedule. Every day is different. And it sucks so bad. During school week I only have to deal with two bad days – the weekend. Isn’t it strange that while most students long for the holidays I just can’t wait to go back to school? My boyfriend tells me that a day without a schedule is full if possibilities. Well, it’s not. Or technically it is. But it is so many possibilities that I just can’t decide what to do. The sheer number of possibilities to spend my unscheduled days is so totally overwhelming that I can’t handle it very well. That much spare time totally freaks me out.
Is that weird? I guess it is.
I am not a jerk. Honestly. And yet, a lot of people probably think I am a jerk. Because sometimes I just don’t know what is appropriate to say in a certain situation. I am very honest, but honesty is not always polite. That’s a problem. I will tell you if your new haircut doesn’t suit you. I will tell you if you disturb me. But I don’t mean to be rude or hurtful. I am just honest. And that’s because I don’t understand lies.
On the other hand, there are times when I don’t speak at all when people expect me to speak. This often happens in very emotional situations. For example when someone cries. I can’t deal with tears. Tears paralyze me. Continue reading “I am not a jerk (most of the time)”
The other day when I was buying groceries, I was called a “nutcase”. Not because I spent 4 euros on hummus which can easily be made for less than 50 cent (that’s what I call nuts!) but because of my “cart dilemma”. I can’t use shopping carts that people left coupons or candy wrappers in. I just can’t. It’s not okay to leave garbage behind, it’s not sanitary, and it violates my rules, so I just cannot use carts with garbage inside. It makes me mad, and sad, and confused. How can people leave shared things like this? Continue reading “The Nutcase”
Being an Aspie, conversations sometimes can be pretty tough. Especially while being in a public area. I will try to illustrate what it feels like for me:
Let’s imagine the following situation. I just left the campus and I am on my way home. For whatever reason I decided to take the bus and I am currently waiting for it at the bus stop. I try to concentrate on myself as it is very noisy. A lot of other students decided to take the bus. The bus stop is very crowded. A fellow student sees me, comes up to me and starts a conversation:
Fellow student: “Bllblblbllblblll klklklkl aiaiai ememem.”
Me: “Excuse me?” Continue reading “Asperger’s & Conversations”
During the semester life can get pretty busy and stressful. A lot of lectures with different audiences, a lot of student meetings for presentations, meetings with profs, campus sports, and of course crowded public transportation. And then there are friends and family who also want to talk to me and spend time with me. In the evenings I often feel exhausted, and more than often I really feel close to OVERLOAD. When I was younger, I wasn’t able to feel overloads coming beforehand. I couldn’t protect myself from the outside world as well as today. What really helped me was keeping track of my days: What stressed me today? What went wrong day? What should I have avoided? What helped me dealing with stress? Continue reading “My autism journal”
I am worried. Constantly. Mostly about my parents and my sister. I have always been worried about them. When I was little, I was afraid of getting separated from them, I screamed bloody murder when for example the elevator door was slowly closing and my mom or dad was still in the hallway. I was scared to lose them and never see them again. When I grew older, the worrying never stopped. Until today, I worry that my mom and dad might die, that my sister might have an accident. If they drive to work, I worry about them being involved in a car crash. When my dad works in the garden, let’s say with a chainsaw, I worry about him getting hurt or killed. It’s insanely exhausting. Continue reading “I am worried.”