The reaction I get the most is probably “You have a BOYfriend?!”
Somehow people seem to assume that not only is it totally unlikely for me to have any sexuality at all, it’s even more unlikely that I am attracted to guys.
I don’t know why people would assume that I am not interested in relationships. Sure, I really struggle with flirting and it takes me quite a while to trust someone but that I struggle doesn’t mean that I don’t long for something.
Maybe the reason is that a lot of people still believe that autistic people don’t have emotions. I can assure you: I have more emotions than I am capable of dealing with. It’s a whole complex universe of emotions, it’s overwhelming and hard to deal with, but it’s there. It’s real.
Of course I cannot speak for every autistic person out there, but I would guess that a lot of us have to deal with people thinking that we’re not interested in romantic relationships and – there I say it! – sex.
I am a proud member of the LGBT.. community. I am gay, and I am autistic. I am sure I am not the only one.
(Happy Pride Month!)
I did it! I survived my first flight! It was extremely hard on me because the plane was fully booked and thus really crowded, but somehow I mananged to not freak out.
What really helped me on this 12h-flight:
– bach flower rescue drops
– noise cancelling headphones and listening to one song I love in constant repeat (that’s just how I roll)
– fidget toys
– rocking (might have driven the guy behind me crazy though – so sorry!) / but omg it felt so good!
– Nintendo 3DS and my neverending love for pokemon (I guess I will be a forever 10yo boy deep inside)
– germ killing wipes (OMG the restrooms! I almost died!)
– my BFs soothing voice, and his presence in general… I feel safe whenever he is around
– A little bracelet that says “autistic”. I found that people really notice and seem more understanding and less annoyed (not that I was good at telling if someone is annoyed but.. still)
(Sometimes I am annoying myself. I am a highly intelligent guy. Why do I suck at the most simple (and natural) things in life?)
However, I still feel accomplished today. I made it to my first “real” travel. Let’s rock this!
I need to talk more. To my boyfriend for example. But talking about feelings is like rocket science to me. How can the limited possibilities of language describe the complex universe inside my mind? Or heart? Right. It can’t. Not in the slightest.
There’s so much going on inside my head that most of the time even the thought of trying to express all that chaos in words paralyzes me. That makes a relationship very difficult. Because apparently it’s not enough that people know you love them. You constantly need to remind them. Continue reading “Silence is golden. Is it?”
Last night, my boyfriend and I went to a public lecture on current political affairs. Although it was really crowded (and the air inside the room was really REALLY bad – yuck) I actually enjoyed it a lot. Mostly because I managed to talk to a couple of people I didn’t know. I managed the art of Small Talk. Oh yeah. At least, I thought I did.
Today, I had to learn that apparently people thought I was rude. To be honest, I had no clue I came across as being rude. Not at all. I was so freaking proud of myself. In my imagination I was wearing a shirt with “Master of Arts in Small Talk” on it. Continue reading “Different views on being nice”
Hey people of the internet,
I am sorry, I haven’t posted in ages. (Not that I think anyone would miss me on here…but..whatever) The reason why I wasn’t online as much is that I had to deal with a load of changes. It all started when we moved houses. I had a really hard time adjusting to that. Don’t get me wrong, I love the new place. The only thing that is wrong about it is that it isn’t the old place. So now I have to go to a different bus station, the furniture is in different places… it’s just a lot to deal with. Continue reading “Dealing with Change”
Hey people of the internet,
I haven’t written here in a while. I don’t even have an excuse. I am on holidays, uni won’t start until October – and that’s the problem. My days are so unstructured. I hate it. During semester I get up at 7, take a shower, have breakfast (two pieces of toast with cheese), either try to take the bus and then walk because it’s too crowded OR drive my bike to uni, go to classes, meet by boyfriend for lunch, go to classes, go to the gym or for a run (schedule is written down in my agenda), go home, have dinner, spend some time with special interest stuff, go to bed. That’s my day. Pretty much every day. Except for days when my boyfriend decides that I need to be more “social” and we need to see friends. Which is fine. I can do that. Just not that often.
But at the moment, there’s no schedule. Every day is different. And it sucks so bad. During school week I only have to deal with two bad days – the weekend. Isn’t it strange that while most students long for the holidays I just can’t wait to go back to school? My boyfriend tells me that a day without a schedule is full of possibilities. Well, it’s not. Or technically it is. But it is so many possibilities that I just can’t decide what to do. The sheer number of possibilities to spend my unscheduled days is so totally overwhelming that I can’t handle it very well. That much spare time totally freaks me out.
Is that weird? I guess it is.
I am not a jerk. Honestly. And yet, a lot of people probably think I am a jerk. Because sometimes I just don’t know what is appropriate to say in a certain situation. I am very honest, but honesty is not always polite. That’s a problem. I will tell you if your new haircut doesn’t suit you. I will tell you if you disturb me. But I don’t mean to be rude or hurtful. I am just honest. And that’s because I don’t understand lies.
On the other hand, there are times when I don’t speak at all when people expect me to speak. This often happens in very emotional situations. For example when someone cries. I can’t deal with tears. Tears paralyze me. Continue reading “I am not a jerk (most of the time)”